Loan Consolidation Intel Dump (digital backup)

Per Sallie Mae representative

Economic Hardship Deferment
-12 month periods
-36 month total
-government pays interest
-payments made to principal on sub
-payments made to interest then princ. on unsub.

-www.salliemae.com
-create user id and password
-log in
-go to Apply for deferment
-can be done as early as may 13, 2009
-do not do earlier
-


Websites:
Consolidation Application and Info:
http://www.loanconsolidation.ed.gov/

Consolidation Application Proper:
https://loanconsolidation.ed.gov/appentry/appindex.html




Contact numbers:

Order of Battle:
-contact both lenders
Sallie Mae and Great Lakes
-determine total amounts and interest amounts
-contact DOE
-apply for consolidation loan
-on May 13, 2009, apply for Economic Hardship Deferrment.

Woohoo!! I got my Masters Degree!

Well, it's been a long time coming. I've been over, under, around and sometimes through a shit ton of obstacles to get here, but it's over! I graduated on December 13th, 2008...finally! It took me 5 years to finish my BA (took a brief hiatus by joining the military about 50 hours into an AS) but all told, I think I had a decent experience, classwise, at USF. The admin and support sectors of that school are horrific, but I had excellent professors, interesting and relevant classes, and there was plenty of fun to go around as well. Had a couiple of people get in my way, but they got sorted out naturally, so no problems there. I'm just glad to be done. I didn't walk during the ceremony (hell, I didn't even GO to the ceremony), opting to go work on my rifle-to-pistol transitions and some mid range rifle shooting instead. That was way more fun that sitting in a traffic jam going into the parking lot, swimming through a sea of undergrads, sitting through a boring 2 hour ceremony where they shake your hand and give you a rolled up, blank piece of paper, then sitting through another 2 hour traffic jam just to go eat with mommy and daddy at the same crowded ass resturaunt that all 2500 other undergrad and grads are shoehorning themselves into. Fuck that, I'd rather shoot shit! Besides, I had to help a friend out at work anyway, so it worked out. I hate saying no to friends. Besides, I've never been one for to stand on ceremony. The job I got and the beautiful woman I met are rewards enough for me.

-Putting Motherfuckers on Notice

Here's the deal. I don't give a fuck what most people think, but something's been bugging me for a while now and it's time the general public got the message. Pay attention, because I'm ony going to say this once. Deep breath. Begin rant:

To any motherfucker that doesnt think I work, fuck you. Just because I work part time at a Jeep shop (with the shit economy I might get 5 hours a month right now), do odd jobs for my step mother and friends, and buy and sell small amounts of things to generate income doesn't mean I'm not working. Guess what? I'M IN FUCKING GRADUATE SCHOOL MOTHERFUCKERS! I SPENT 40+ HOURS A WEEK RESEARCHING, THINKING, GENERATING NEW IDEAS, TAKING TESTS, READING, WRITING A TON OF FUCKING PAPERS AND GENERALLY GETTING SMARTER THAN YOU'LL EVER FUCKING BE, SO FUCK YOU!!!!! I've gotten a few sideways comments from a handful of people in the last week, suggesting that maybe I should get a job. Well, guess what assholes. I JUST FUCKING GOT A 300,000 YEN A MONTH IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY BECAUSE I'VE SPENT THE LAST 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE BUSTING MY ASS TO GET A 3.61 GPA IN COLLEGE WHILE PAYING FOR THE WHOLE GOD DAMN THING WITH NO HELP FROM SCHOLARSHIPS (BECAUSE I'M A WHITE MALE) AND MINIMAL GRANTS AND A SHIT TON OF STUDENT LOANS GOTTEN THROUGH THE USE OF MY WITS ONLY, SO FUCK OFF How dare any motherfucker even thing for a moment that I don't have a job. Just because my contract work doesnt start until March 2009 doesnt mean I'm broke. I have a plan. Just because you're not privy to the plan doesnt mean I don't have one, so keep you stupid comments to your-fucking-self. Nobody gives a shit about your opinions or suggestions. I've done fine in this life without them so far and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to eat and have shelter without them in the future, so eat a shit sandwich and choke. Oh, and let me clue you hateraide drinking, pussy-assed-sideways remark making, jealous, envious, assbags one more thing...If any of you motherfuckers sends me one more email with some bullshit job for which I'm overqualified and uninterested, I'll email you a fucking trojan horse that'll make swiss cheese of your god damn hard drive in about an hour.

How dare anybody ever suggest I need anything that I can't buy, borrow, earn, or steal on my own. You know who you are, and so do I.

-Japan Gig!!

I got a job in Japan. I'm pretty pissed that the US market, specifically some of the cool service oriented jobs were such a pain in the ass with regards to paperwork, long wait times and resumes disappearing into the black hole of government bureaucracy. Guess that's why yours truley has seen the light and joined the private sector. No disses on the government but they're too old, too slow and too fuckin' cheap to get a guy like me, I suppose. Who wants to fill out endless forms, submit your resume three times (more if they decide to update their systems every other week!!!) and then wait and wait and wait until you're old enough to retire when you can simply find a nice private business that does the same work, submit one application, get a response in HOURS instead of MONTHS, get an interview in DAYS instead of NEVER, get the job in TWO WEEKS instead of NEVER HEARING FROM YOUR FUCKING RECRUITER AGAIN, and oh, by the way get DOUBLE THE FUCKING PAY! God help me if I can figure out how governments still exist. Oh, wait, that's right...they have a monopoly on the application of force...I almost forgot.

Anyway, I got this gig and I'll be stationed within load-blowing distance of Tokyo, so I'm pretty stoked about that. Mt. Fuji, here I come. You better be there when I get there, or I'll have to initiate a Shawnzilla tyrade through downtown Tokyo! RUUUUNNNNNN, IT'S SHAWNZILLA!!!!!!!!!!

-Fuck Wierd Al!

Ok, I'm sitting in my CAPSTONE class right now and we're all going over topics for our papers. Prof. J. is playing devil's advocate and we're all defending our choices and shit. Well, we get to this dude I'll call Wierd Al. If you saw him, you'd get it, trust me. Suffice to say, this mufuggah is a cross between Wierd Al Yankovich and the Energizer Bunny. I swear this fucker "vibrates with synergy." If I even said the word "synergy" I bet his goddamn head would detonate. Maybe I'll just raise my hand, stare at him curiously and whisper "synergyyyyy." (Places hand on opposite forearm, stops from raising hand...deep breath) Shit, this guy has been talking for the better part of 20 minutes at triple the normal conversational speed. Thats like an hour's worth of information I just completely ignored. Damn, I have a 45 minute drive after this. Maybe I should just throw something at him...

-Japan Plan

So I'm looking to go see Ai and check out the landscape of Japan, see soem sites, eat some food and get drunk with the locals pretty soon here. I've been checking out plane tickets, food prices and tourist spots. I was htinking about doing the Tokyo-Kyoto train trip, but due to time constraints and all, we may not have time. When discussing it with Ai over videophone, she asked me the best question any chick has ever asked me. No, she didn't ask me for a threesome...been there...done tha...have the pictures...oh WAIT. Forget I said that. She didn't ask me if I would stick it in her pooper or anything guy-cool / super-high-five-able or anything like that. Been there...done that...have the pictures...oh WAIT. Forget I mentioned that, also. No, she asked me the "NEW NUMBER ONE BEST QUESTION EVER!"

Me: So we might not be able to do the Kyoto thing since I'm only gonna be there for 9 or so days. Any suggestions?

Ai: Do you like ninjas?

Me: Fuck yeah I like ninjas!!

Ai: You wanna go see ninjas in Nikko Edomura?

Me: Fuck yeah I wanna go see ninjas in Kneecap Eatsomesquirrels or whatever the place you just said is!

Ai: You know ninjas?

Me: Not yet, but I'm open to new things...

Ai: You can take pictures with the ninjas. They are real ninjas, not movie ninjas.

Me: Can I take a picture of a ninja kicking me in the stomach or balls?

Ai: I'm sure they would accomodate you.

Me: Sign me up!

Yeah, she's the best. I dunno of any other girl that would suggest, after I flew half way around the world, to take me to a place where REAL ninjas will take a picture of you getting your ass whipped by their buddies. I love Japan.

-JAFU: Just Another Frickin' Update

I know, I know, I havent posted since July 10th, so sue me. I've been a busy busy boy. I went back up to Alabama, New York, and Virginia for 20 days or so. I got to visit family, check on some job stuff and check out a couple of campuses. My girl has me very interested in heading over to Japan, so I've been saving up for a plane ticket to go check out her place, have a little fun in Kyoto and go pick up some gadgets in Akihabara. I also have a few friends living over there right now, so it'll be about beer-thirty when my plane touches down. It's looking more and more like I won't be working for the US government anytime soon. It has occurred to me that the guv is a slow moving, not to bright entity, which is fine. I've hooked up with a private contracting firm with offices in Tokyo and other places in the world, so come late-September-ish I'll know if I'll be living in Japan for a few years. I really hope this one pans out. Just for good measure, I applied with all of their competitors. I got lotsa eggs in lotsa baskets. Who knows, if I get there and I don't like it, I can always do my Ph. D. in Asian Studies, lol.

-Update

Lots of shit has been going down lately. Since I can't seem to concentrate on my paper right now (I spent most of the night "brushing up on my Japanese") I figure I'd put a list down of what I've been up to.

-Got two good hits on jobs (hopefully these will pan out in my favor)
-Got a new girlfriend (unexpected and unplanned, but wonderful none-the-less)
-Started studying Japanese again (it's been too long!)
-Got a good portion of my paper out of the way
-Did some research on my Ph. D. program, in case the job thing falls through
-I've lost quite a bit of dead weight (all my pants and shirts hang off of me which is nice, but kinda sucks as I'll probably have to spend a buncha money on new clothes soon)
-My running is improving dramatically (I repeated a run with ease two days ago that kicked my ass about a month ago)
-I've doubled my pull-ups since I started training again
-I've made a shit ton of new friends
-I haven't been bored since I dunno when!

-The Nicest Letter, Ever.

I go tthe nicest letter I think anyone has ever written me in my entire life. I couldn't really explain it in detail, so I'm adhering to the "a picture is worth a thousand words" rule. Here it is. My favorite parts are the little cartoons she drew. Pretty damn cute, if you ask me. She even drew my scruffy little beard...classic.

-Inspiration...Sort Of

I was typing a paper today and , of course, when I type papers, I listen to music. Today's selection was a compilation from Paul Oakenfold, one of my favorite electronic artists. There is a part of this compilation that always gets my attention, for some reason. Maybe it's the siren-like voice of the woman singing it, maybe it's the words, maybe it's a combination of the two, I dunno. All I know is that for the two or three years I've had this selection on my iPod, everytime I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I felt strongly enough about it to stop typing my paper and share the words with you, faithful reader:

The light that makes us what we are
Is the life that burns in every star.
Will it to be but all I can see
Is just a dead machine in a senseless world.

And we must remember who we are
If the Earth's to be here through the storm.
This is our chance to restore the equilibrium.
This is our chance at the turn of the millinium.

And we must remember who we are
If the earths to breath and smooth the scars.
This is our chance to restore the equilibrium.
This is our chance as we move to through the millenium.

Through the night I hear you voice.
Draws me in I have no choice.
As I slice through the air your echo grows
I see time stand still as I'm watching the world below.

Open my eyes before tomorrow comes.
Balance the edge 'fore tomorrow comes.
Open your eyes before tomorrow comes.
We'll walk the line as we're watching the world below.

-I'm Easy!

...to love that is. Ask anyone...errr, maybe not ANYONE. Ask Ahi-Ahi, she'll tell ya how easy I am to love. Here are just a few things she's been whispering in my ear when the lights go low:

-You are very gentle
-You are handsome and wonderful
-You have gentle eyes
-You are easy to love

I know neither one of us planned to become involved. I guess we both figured it was just too complicated. She's going back to Japan soon. I'm just getting out of one of the worst relationships I've ever been in. Neither of us were looking for love. I figured Ahi and I would just be having meaningless sex for a few months and then we'd go our separate ways. I find relief in the knowledge that what Ahi and I have is far deeper than that.

It also seems clear that Ahi is planning to extend her stay here, if she can pull it off. I think that's great although I worry about her getting more deeply attached to me. She is such a sweet girl. Young, playful, and innocent. She reminds me of a different time, a time before I knew how the world really worked. I know in my mind that the odds are against us, but my heart is beginning to take over. I've always had that problem. Luckily I understand the weakness and believe me, Ahi, for me, is a weakness. I'm a bit of a fatalist, though and I find our situation beautifully tragic in a way. I know I'm already past the line, beyond the point where I can shut my heart off, beyond being cold. I'm doing my part to keep her here a bit longer. I'm simply enjoying every minute with her and for now, that's enough for me.

-4th of July wa Ichiban Desu!!

Ok, so I'm back from Virginia. It was fun, but that little trip is over, so we're concentrating on the present. Today is the 4th of July. I love the 4th. It's the shit. Why? Because I'm a fuckin' patriot, that's why. Enough said. So, today was pretty interesting. Lot's of unexpected things went down today. I got this whole new life philosophy. I-ching. Improvise, adapt, ovecome. Roll with it. Ok, ok, that's a stolen line (and badly misquoted I'm sure) from Collateral but I don't give much of a shit. I spent the better part of last night (the part AFTER I unpacked and shit) watching chic-flicks with Ahi-Ahi, my new favorite person. During the first movie, she asked if she could give me a super top secret Japanese massage. Being the former International Relations major that I am, I could hardly refuse. She had her way with my back for the last half of the first movie and the better part of the second movie (yes, I watched two chic-flicks in one night, so sue me). Needless to say, my back feels great. After all that hiking, climbing, manual labor, and a 13 hour road-trip (yeah right!) I really needed a back rub and Ahi-Ahi was right there to deliver. She's great, unlike the fucktard I used to date. What was her name...? I'm starting to forget. In any case, the previously mentioned fuck-tard has been utterly and thouroughly replaced by a REAL Asian. That's right folks. Not a Flip...not a Korean...not a Chinese...no, we're only taking applicants of the highest possible caliber these days. That's right, a full on, billionth generation Japanese. Ahi-Ahi is the entire package. First generation (hell, she's not even that!), an absolute cutie, smart, flirtatious, open to improvisation, and (most importantly) head over heals in love with me! Now, before you go thinking I'm a pretentious, cocky prick, understand one thing. When I met Ahi, I didn't care if we were friends or not. I had no plans with her. I forced nothing, manipulated no situations. I merely let her make her own decisions, did nothing to forward my own schemes and let the "chips fall where they may." The result? I'll explain it in HER words: "I am very easily falling in love with you." How could this woman possible fall in love with the tattooed, bearded, dirty, nasty, knife toting, curse-word-spitting likes of little old me? I
I'll tell you, venerable reader...

Apparently when I left for my unscheduled (and rather lucrative and prodictive) trip to No-Vag-Inia (read Virginia) Ahi was utterly heartbroken. She took solice in the arms of her good friend, Michiko. She cried, told Michiko (not her real name, duh!) how much she missed me...even texted me a half-dozen times. I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just adding detail here. So anyway, I get back yesterday and of course, she's on the very-short list of peopel to call. Of course she wants to see me and we end up watching movies at her place. The massage happens, things are good. I hold off making a serious move last night...you know, I tried to play it cool. So I ask her what she's doing on the 4th. Ya see, I already had plans to hook up with this other girl, but unfortunately (for one of us...I still haven't figured out which) she never returned my text / voicemail. So, girl numbe rone doesn't get to meet my 'rents, doesn't get to see me huff across the finish line of a sprint triathalon...such is life. So I ask Ahi what her plans for the 4th are. Being a Japanese, she of course has NO PLANS FOR THE 4th of JULY!!! Makes sense. So we pack up the Green Monster, and head to Pass-A-Grille...my number one romance place, as it were. Here's the formula:
1) Have a female handy, preferably one you trust and respect, although this is not mandatory
2) Fireworks...and not shit you brough on your own
3) Ocean....you need some ocean for this
4) Sunset
5) Balls (if you don't bring those, you're gonna be outta luck)

So we're watching the sunset at Pass-A-Grille, it's the 4th of July, there's fireworks going off, the ocean is lapping, we're sitting on the beach her in front, me in the back. What else is there to say? I gotta tell ya...falling in love is great, if you're tough enough. If you don't understand what I mean, you'll probably find out the hard way.

-Virginia Posts

This is an amolgomation of the posts I did when I was in Virginia. I was unable to find any internet connections where I was, so I simply put the journal entries into .wps format and saved them. Here's the cut-n-paste of the entries. Hope you enjoy them!

Tues, June 24
Mood: travel wary

Got to Virginia just fine. Now, usually when I travel in the air, I jump outta the fuckin plane. I can honestly say I’ve taken off in more airplanes than I’ve landed in. This, however, was not one of those cases. I hopped a quick flight outta Tampa and had a lay over in Atlanta, one of my least favorite airports. Hanging out in ATL is, in my past experiences, rated somewhere up there between a kick in the balls and a kick in the head, leaning more toward the kick in the balls. It’s always dirty, crowded and for some reason the gate you are heading to is typically the farthest gate from the one you’re standing at when you debus. However, I gotta say, this time it wasn’t nearly that bad. I got off at one gate and the gate for my next flight was just a few gates down from there. As I was walking from one gate to the next I came upon a quaint little bar where I found a chair, slung my pack on the floor (I used it as a foot rest) and proceeded to order a Southern Comfort on the rocks. The bartender gave me a funny look, but she did her job and soon I had my favorite drink chillin’ in front of me. I glanced down at my watch…9:45 am EST. Maybe that explains the funny look. Anyway, I walked toward my gate, saw a little DVD joint where you could get two movies for $20, so I bought a couple. I unwrapped one and got about halfway through it when they started boarding my flight to Richmond. The flight itself went without a hitch, pretty boring really. I hooked up with dad after a little confusion (I wasn’t thinking about if he was going to have to go through security to meet me at my gate, so I stood there for a few minutes like a dips hit, thinking he’d be right there when I got off the plane) and we drove the 3.5 hours from Richmond into Stone Mountain. I felt kinda bad for making him drive so far, but the cheapest flights I could find into Roanoake or Lynchburg were two and three times what I paid to get into Richmond. I’ll pay him back when I get a decent paying job someday!

Wed, June 25
Mood: not-so-accurate

Did a little shooting with pops today. We went out to the back of his barn where he has a 100 yard area laid out. We brought with us the following:

-17 caliber bolt action rifle with scope
-50 caliber single shot muzzle loaded black powder rifle with scope

The little 17 was a badass. The rounds just screamed outta that thing! I was making decent hits with it and after we adjusted the scope (pops actually did the adjusting, I sat there chewing a cigar, looking cool which happens to be my specialty…ask anyone) I was doing a little better. Dad made the only 10 ring hit with it (it was shooting a bit left for both of us, indicating that the scope was still in need of fine tuning) and I haven’t heard the end of it yet! Note to self: STOP FUCKING MISSING 10 RING HITS AROUND DAD! Then we busted out the 50. This isn’t the first 50 I’ve banged away on, but it was the first black powder muzzle loader. After showing me how to load it, I was shooting. My first hit was pretty spectacular, actually. I did everything right and hit at the 6 o’clock position in the small red ring just under the 10 ring. Pretty good for a first shot. I got uncharacteristically worse with the weapon on the following shots, however. I dunno if it was the heat, the pressure of not making a 10 ring hit with the 17 or if I was relaxing too much after making such a good cold bore hit, but it opened the door for dad to make another 10 ring hit (with the 50 this time). Again, I still havent heard the end of it. Now I’m the ex-Navy guy that can’t make 10 ring hits outta the box getting show up by the ex-cop! Oh well, I can out shoot him with my guns, but he’ll never hear me say that! Actually, I do wanna get something off my chest here, lol. It’s not a big deal, kinda funny really and I know he didn’t mean anything by it. I would expect him to pick on me and I welcome it, actually. This is more of a point of clarification than anything else. When dad was “reminding” me of his 2 ten ring hits, he said something to the effect of “Aren’t you SEAL types supposed to be able to compensate and make hits?” The answer is no…not really. When any military unit, from 11-bravo grunts right up to seasoned professionals in counter-terror units make those spectacular hits, it’s because they’ve made that hit a thousand times before in training. They are familiar with the weapon, the load, the conditions, etc. Now, when they pick up a different weapon, they will be fairly accurate. They will rely on all the information they gathered from other weapons, apply that information and make hits. It’ won’t always be pretty, but it’ll be effective. My hits were effective. On a human sized target, every hit I made woulda been a kill shot. All of them. Would I have been able to dot someone’s eye at the 95 or so yards we were shooting from? No, not unless I had a little luck on my side. Would I have been able to put that bullet into a head-sized target at that range with either weapon? Yes, I could and I did. When I shoot, it isn’t for sport, it isn’t for fun. It’s a training tool so that if and / or when I am put in a situation where I have to put said bullet into said head, I can do it. It don’t have to be pretty, it don’t have to be a ten ring shot, it just has to kill the motherfucker dead. I did that. As for SEAL-types and their capabilities…well…there’s just something that a lot of people don’t realize. I hear it at the shooting range near home, and now from my father. Shit like “I figured with your training you’d have tighter groups…blah blah blah.” People expect you to live up to the bullshit they see on TV. It ain’t real. My hits are kill shots, nothing more nothing less. The difference between a normal schmuck and me is that not only can I make that hit you just saw (which may not always be in the 10 ring, but will 90% of the time be a kill shot), but I can jump out of a plane into water, swim 10 miles, find a car, steal it, drive to your house, sneak into your room and THEN make that hit on YOU when YOU”RE SLEEPING. That’s the difference, and that’s all I have to say about THAT!

Thurs June 26
Mood: wet!

Went to Smith Mountain Lake today. My cousin (we’ll call him Kurt for security reasons) and his Captain, Gnarl (again, not his real name), my pops and I all loaded onto Kurt’s ski boat and headed out. SML is a man made, dam-flooded lake with a shit ton of nice-ass houses on it. It has a ton of little fingers and coves and we spent the majority of the time floating around in one of them. We were about 100-120 yards off shore, so I decided to go on a little timed swim / recon to check out the shore line. I stripped down to my underarmor boxer briefs (they look like bike shorts) and headed out. About 2 minutes later, I was on shore. Not bad, but not my fastest. I took a look around, realized that around the bend were some old hags on a party boat who took an immediate interest in the bearded, tattooed, underwear sporting sasquatch of a guy that just invaded their shore line, and headed back. 2 minutes and 8 seconds later (I timed it this time) I was back to the boat. We floated around (they floated, I treaded water in an attempt to stay in shape) for another 40 minutes or so, loaded back up and headed in. After we got home and cleaned up, dad and I went to a little Mexican joint and met up with a bunch of his friends. They were all nice (there must be some kinda ‘happy people’ drugs in the water up here), the food was good; it was a good time! If it wasn’t so far away from everything, I’d consider moving up here. Maybe if I live to see retirement!


Fri. June 27
Mood: a little jealous of Woody’s mad skillz!

Got up early and helped dad around the house. Up here, everybody calls their places by individual names, and dad’s place is no different. So, technically speaking, I’m staying with dad at Meadow Creek Farms. I don’t get it, but I’m a “damned dirty city-slicker” so I’m not supposed to. I realized I was giving my dad the same look girls give me when they realize I name my guns, so I suppose I can understand wanting to name your estate. Anyway, after we sorted out the chores on the back patio, we wandered over to the next door neighbors house. Now by wander, I mean we got in the Polaris Ranger (picture a golf cart on steroids…and crack rock…and more steroids…and like six Red Bulls and you’ll get the idea of what these things are) and went next door. 1.6 miles later, we pulled into the front drive. The neighbor, we’ll call him Woody, is a carpenter. This guy bought a wood kit from some home manufacturer and proceeded to fucking whittle the nicest damned house I’ve ever seen in my life. Custom everything, from the exterior to the cabinets to the railings, he even used wooden nails, Amish style (which is who he learned his trade from). As if I wasn’t jealous enough, he took us out to his “garage.” By garage I meant his 3000 sq.ft. aluminum building where he housed his Shelby GT500 (the newest one), a custom Ford pick up, a Ford Ranger (his work truck) and enough machine tools and parts to make the Jeep shop I work at look like a LEGO set. I mean, it was NICE. On top of all that, he’s a damned fine gentleman, a real nice guy in the true sense of the word. There’s just something about Virginia. Now, if only the girls up here didn’t look like the defensive line for the Giants… Ok, I take that back, there are some pretty girls up here. They’re all married, most of them have eye-fucked me from across the various shops and restaurants I’ve been haunting, and the majority of them are being closely followed by baby-toting husbands. Go figure. I’m in another state (Virginia is for LOVERS, remember?), perfectly ready and willing to have meaningless sex with one of those infamous “Virginia girls that can ‘Ride, drink, fight, and make a damn nice dinner’” and the only ones that seem interested are the bored married ones. Now that’s not totally true (there have been more than one flirty eyebrow raises directed at me, particularly from this cute brunette in a Wrangler…you know who you are) but it might as well be! Lol, ahh the single life. I need a drink, lol.

2nd Entry
Mood: Sleepless in Virginia

Couldn’t sleep. Talked to Ahi-Ahi (who is just a friend at this point) and another girl via text. Ahi was basically filling me in on what she’s been up to since I left and letting me know that her homework just isn’t the same without my sage advice and clever manipulation of the English language. Although I think Ahi is attractive, cute, funny, and an overall pleasure to be around I know that relationship is going nowhere. I’m a morning person, she lives on the other side of the planet, things just aren’t destined to work out. So, that’s that. Anyway, we’ll call the other girl Montana (not her real name of course!). Now, I’ve known Montana since just after Kristy and I started dating. She was a freshman in the leadership house when K. was in her senior year. Of course, Montana is an absolute cutie. Athletic, funny, and a party girl. Well, she’s doing a triathlon soon and I might do it with her. We’re talking about hanging out on the 4th, doing the tri, then…well…who knows. We’ll just have to see what we’ll see.

Oh, on a side note, I got a text from my new roomie. I guess when I left for Virginia USF decided to turn me from a bachelor in a 4 person suite to one of four! WTF!?!?!?! Oh well, the text I got was polite so I have hope for the new roomies. I hope they’re all old enough to drink!

Sat June 28
Mood: well armed…YAR!!!

Today we did the Roanoke trip. We drove up into the Blue Ridge, picked up the Blue Ridge Parkway and stopped along some pretty nice spots. We hit downtown Roanoke, went into town and checked out some local sports stores. I finally got the Teva kicks I’ve been looking for, got a compass for my watch, and a bigger knife. I’ve been carrying a little dinky 1.5 inch folder since I got here, something I picked up at a fishing tackle store. I grabbed a Spyderco Raven combo blade at Sportsman’s Warehouse in Roanoke. It’s a kick ass little blade. It’ll be a good backup for the Strider when I get home but for now she’s my primary. After we got back, we hit up a little bar down on the lake and I got good and drunk. Came home, watched Super Troopers on Comedy central and hit the hay. Ah, another Virginia day!


Mon June 30
Mood: Somber

Got up, hit AJ’s (it’s been our usual breakfast stop for most of this trip) and got my usual…coffee and a protein omelet. Eggs, sausage, onions and heartburn, yum! They raise their own hogs up here and the meat’s friggin’ great, so…Anyway there’s a waitress at AJ’s that’s just as cute as a button. Red head, and I mean RED. She has a kid and apparently it’s the talk of the town that she and her baby-daddy had a falling out. She’s been gave me the “fuck me” eyes a few days ago and she pulled a repeat today. Thing is, she had her kid there in the restaurant as well. Cute kid, had hair almost as red as momma. So while mommy is attractive, I just can’t be ATTRACTED to her. It’s obvious she is irresponsible. Cute, but irresponsible. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but that’s just the way I feel. The next girl I’m with is going to have to be perfect before I even raise an eyebrow in her direction. I’m no longer compromising when it comes to women. I’ve done too much of that already.

So, after AJ’s dad and I went to the D-Day Memorial. I was surprised to learn that it’s in Bedford County. The reason for this is because, of all the cities, towns, and counties in the United States, Bedford County lost the highest percentage of men during the D-Day Invasion, Operation Overlord. Being there was sobering, seeing all the names on the walls. There must have been ¼ mile of names on a wall 5 feet tall. That’s a lot of names.

After the D-Day Memorial, dad and I came home and did some shooting. We pulled out the old lever action 30-30 and the Savage 300. While I sucked pretty hard with the 30-30, I made a 100 yard, cold-bore bulls-eye with the Win-Mag (I know, I know, 100 yards is nothing with a 300 Win-Mag). I was plenty happy with that and I shot well with it for the rest of the day.

-Snap Trip to Virginia

Just a quick note. My dad is up in Virginia and he's been itching to see me. I'm taking an extended road trip up there in early August, but he said he'd pay for a train ticket if I wanted to come up now. He was already planning on driving back down on July 3rd so we could go to a party down here for the family. Guess it's time to start packing!

-Sometimes Dreaming Sucks

I wasn't planning on posting this, but I was hanging with my buddy Mike last night and promised him I would, so here goes. He and I were having a conversation and my current friend-girl (I dunno if we're at the girlfriend-boyfriend stage yet and frankly, I don't care) was in the room. Since the topic of the conversation turned more personal than I think she and I oughtta be, I told Mikeysan I'd post it up here and he could read it if he wants. So, we were on the subject of sleeping and dreaming. Lately I've been trying to sleep as little as possible. I usually get an average of 5-6 hours a night. I rarely remember my dreams and if I do, 90% of the time they are nightmares. I dunno why this is, it just...is. So the other night came as no surprise to me. You see, I have befriended the latest group of Japanese exchange studetns here at USF. I hang out with one or all of them (including my friend-girl) pretty much everyday. I am really only attracted to one, however, so it's strange that I had a nightmare about her good friend. We'll call her Kimiko for security reasons. Anyway, the dream starts out with Kimiko and I eating dinner together. We're having casual, intermittent conversation when she drops a bomb on me. She tells me my friend-girl (we'll call her Ahi-Ahi for security purposes) is going back to her native country in a few days and didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. Now I've had abandonment issues my whole life. My parents both worked pretty hard when I was growing up. I was a latch key kid who had to learn to play alone at a pretty early age. Then they got divorced and it simply reenforced the concept. I became more of a loner that I would have liked. I've always had a few tight friends, but typically been standoffish to anyone outside my circle, thought I'm extremely outgoing and tend to command a certain amount of attention when I'm in a room full of people. These are all probably related to the abandonment thing, but I digress. The point is, I'm pretty much used to people disappearing from my life with no real warning. In the dream, though, it's quite a shock. So Kimiko goes on to say that this is a good thing because she's had a secret crush on me this whole time but didn't want to get in the way of Ahi-Ahi and my relationship. So, thouroughly convinced that Ahi-Ahi is on her way out, angry and sad at the fact that she hadn't told me and drunk from the win Kimiko and I had been scarfing down, I fell into the moment and hooked up with Kumiko. Who am I to deny her what she wants and if she wants me, then so be it. This is where the strange and emotional dream turns into a nightmare. Mid-fucky-sucky, Ahi-Ahi walks in the room. Now these two don't live togther in real life, but in the dream they are roomies. Ahi-Ahi walks in sees the two of us, pulls out a knife and kills herself right there in front of me. That's pretty much when I woke up. My wake-up point during nightmares is usually a millisecond before the tragic thing happens. It's right at the point where whatever bad shit is going down is inevitable, but for some reason I wake up just before it happens, so I don't have the satisfaction (...er, I guess closure would be the better word) of seeing it all end. Anyway, that's the dream, so Mike if you're reading this, now you know why I didn't wanna spit this one out in front of our mutual friend. It woulda been too hard to bring her into the conversation and wierd to talk about it in front of her without translating it. I know you know what I'm talking about. On a happy note, when Mike left, I walked Ahi-Ahi back to her place and gave her a big ass hug. No kiss, no nightcap, just a hug. She gave me a look that I haven't quite figured out yet. I like to think she understood exactly what that hug meant, but that would be too easy. My life's never been easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

-My gal pal Merav

I swear this week is "Run Into Old Crushes" week. My friend from undergrad, Merav is in town defending her thesis. We had a few classes together in undergrad I always was attracted to her and, come to find out, she thought I was cute enough to make the comment "If we had both been single at the same time, I'd have made a pass at you." today. That was a nice boost for the old ego. She's married now so she's off limits, although If she made a move on me I'd find it extremely difficult to resist her. In any event, we hung out for a few hours, had lunch and caught up. She's extremely flirty, a very sexual girl. I can see how her husband fell for her! I was actually hoping to meet him. I'd love to shake the hand of the guy that got a ring on her finger. He didn't come down with her, though, so maybe I'll get a chance to meet him one of these days. I'm about to take a final right now, so wish me luck. I'm pretty well prepped up, but you never really know at this level. Not until you take the test, anyway. Maybe after the test I'll go get frickin' beat down drunk! Gotta clear my head somehow.

-Study Day

Got up early, got a good breakfast in me and LOTS OF COFFEE!!!! Today is a study day. I'm forgoing training this morning so I can concentrate (read CRAM) for my Public Organizational Change class tonight. We were given 6 questions to study...concepts really. Of those six, the professor will randomly pick 4, then we can pick and choose 3 or those four to answer on the final. The questions cover every topic covered so far. I had to giggle to myself when someone raised their hand and asked the prof. what specific things we should be concentrating on for the final. When Dr. D. said "That's easy...everything." I about pissed my pants. At this level (this is an upper level, graduate class) I woulda thought that answer was obvious. Oh well, I guess somebody had to ask. So, I'll have my head pressed firmly into my notes all day. I can't wait until this test is over. Getting ready for tests always makes me edgy. Taking them is like getting into a fight. You're no longer thinking about all the crap you should be ready for, all the things that can go wrong. You're DOING. Doing is good. You can just rely on your preparation. There's no thinking involved, everything is already thought out (for me anyway). It's a release. I just hope I do well. Maybe instead of blogging about it I should go ahead and start cramming, lol.

Another reason I want this test to be over is because Ai said she'd go to Burger King with me afterward. Now, I'm not going to rush the test just to go to dinner, but it's something to look forward to. They have Micky D's in Japan, but not Burger King, so she's been wanting to go to one and was disappointed that the one on campus is closed for the summer. I told her when I finished my test I'd take her to one off campus as a treat. She's was all kinds of excited. It's a shame she's only going to be here for 2 more months.

-O-course!

Got up early toady, got some breakfast on campus and decided to hit the ROTC obstacle course. I brought gloves this time, so I could fast rope down the rope climb, rather than hand-over-hand down the damnm thing like the last couple of times. It was relatively early when I got to the O-course, but it was already hotter that two match sticks fuckin' in a wool sock. By the time I'd completed the first pass (about 3 minutes) I was already drenched, my do-rag filled and overflowing into my eyes. I repeated the course two more times, just to see if it could kill me. It didn't, but while considering a fourth run, I pussied out. I know I could have done it, but I woulda been wasted for the better part of the morning. Instead, I hopped back on the bike, rode for 30 more minutes to keep the heart rate up and headed back to Zilla Manor.

Gave myself a quick hair cut (the top was starting to get outta control), took care of the new tats and caught up on the news. I'm hoping I can get in touch with Ai today, maybe go to lunch. There's something about her that's just...pleasant. She's not presumptuous or damaged like the last few girls I've chatted up. There was this one young lady I was talking to a few weeks ago...damn did she have issues! Beautiful, but damaged. Can't have that. "Never date a woman with more problems than you." I don't remember who said that, but after my last relationship, I believe it.

I'll be glad when this week is over. I have a final on wednesday and thursday, and work on friday (I really wanted to sleep in on friday, but money makes the world go 'round and who am I to stop the globe's spinning?). I'm looking forward to the USN meeting this weekend. It'll be nice. Some of the guys are getting together to shoot before dinner, so that'll be fun. I think I've earned a steak.

-An Old Friend

So I was minding my own business today, studying up for one of my finals this week when I bumped into an old friend. Her name is Angie. We had a class or two together in undergrad. I've always liked her. She's just one of those people that is always cheerful, a very cool girl. She has a certain edge to her that's nice, also. I always took her for one of those girls that would trade dirty jokes with you, flirt with you and all that, but one that would definately throw a punch if you got outta line. Now, I may be a bit off on that one, but it's the vibe I've always gotten and my vibes are usually dead on, so I'm stickin with it. Girls like her are pretty rare, in my experience. It's most certainly been a few years since I'd seen her and I gotta say, she looked great. The crazy thing is that she had crossed my mind a bit earlier in the day. I dunno if it's because I happened to be studying in the Library (basically in the same spot I used to do some of my undergrad work) or (more likely) I caught a glance at her and, subconsciously (as Angie suggested) I thought of her, even though my conscious mind hadn't registered that it was actually her during the glimpse. We caught up for a sec and updated each other's cellies, the usual fare. I don't really know what else to say about the subject, but I was surprised and happy enough to post it up here. I guess that counts for something, lol.

-Talking in the Pisser

It's a no-no. There are very few reasons, if any to ever engage in conversation in a mens room. Unless something is on fire or your best friend is standing there with some kind of emergency or (in some cases) a really hilarious story or purpose, the general rule of thumb with regards to bathroom etiquitte is to SHUT THE FUCK UP! So I'm standing at the urinal, following proper protocol (there were three urinals, I was at the far lef end of the row) and some fucker walks in and parks his dumb ass at the urinal right next to me. Now, that's already a violation of the rules. Shit bag shoulda taken the urinal furthest from me so that I wouldn't immediately consider him a "meat gazer." Then, as if his proximity wasn't bad enough, homey starts TALKING TO ME. Guy asks me if I knew what time the LIBRARY CLOSED? So, what do I say? "Yes." Then nothing. There's an akward silence. I shake off, stuff the meat back in it's holding cell, zip up and about-face, heading toward the sink. So I'm two pumps into a four pump soap-up when the guy (presumably with his dick still in his hand) says "Aren't you gonna flush?" to which I reply, heading out the door, "Not dark enough...". What I meant was that, I had consumed quite a bit of water this morning, so the pee was clear and copious. It wasn't dark enough to flush, so I let it mellow, as per the rules that pretty much every guy was taught from birth.

My problem was that this guy blatantly violated the following rules:
-You're too close
-You failed to shut the fuck up
-You continued to fail at shutting the fuck up
-You're annoying and curious all at the same time

He needed to watch this, and so does EVERYONE ELSE!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw

-Gravity

-Da New Ink

As promised, here's my new ink. Got both these done by Randy Miller at Platinum, so that adds to the collection of outstanding artists with their work on my body. Not that I'm much of a tat collector, not as much as a lot of folks who will go around the world for a particular artist. The way I roll is more along the lines of "Wherever I am, there must be a good artist nearby, so find them, design with 'em and get 'em to poke me a couple thousand times." Randy Miller at Platinum fit that bill perfectly. He's done a few of the Bucs players and his demo stuff was very impressive, so I let him poke me repeatidly for 2.5 hours. Here's the result:

This one represents Bukido. If you don't know what it means you can always ask somebody.

This one has a lot going on, so pay attention or you'll get lost. I incorporated the Strider wings and saber along the edges and in the middle. The reason I did this is because I trust my Strider with my life, carry it with me, even when I'm showering and have absolute faith that, if I need to use it, it'll perform every time without fail. In the center is a spade and skull. I have various weapons mixed into the tat to represent training, preparedness and a willingness to use said training and preparedness. Under the body of the tat is the greek phrase "Molon Labe." Which is both a tribute to Leonidas' inextinguishable fighting spirit and willingness to die for what he believed in as well as a mindset I try to internalize everyday. When challenged in my life, rather than curling into a ball, sucking my thumb, and crying myself to sleep, I'd rather scream "Come and get it!"

-The History of the Fork According to Brownmajik

Well, I was filling out the profile section of this BLOG and came across an interesting twist to the everyday profile. The RANDOM QUESTION. You see, at the end of the profile section in Blogger, they generate a random question which, unless you're a presumtuous ass or a complete dullard and all around wanker you would lovingly respond to with a RANDOM ANSWER. Well, I'm the king of random. I eat random pies and shit random flowers afterward, so believe me when I say, I am the king of random. Since, in their infinate wisdom, Blogger only allows you to give a 400 character answer (which is sillier than play-dough shit) I figured I'd give this the attention it deserves.

Here's the question:
Do you believe that Forks evolved from Spoons?

Here's my answer (it's long, but it's worth it, just like my johnson):

Yes, and I'll tell you why. The fork was originally used as an instrument of death. It was called the spear, or in some cases the trident. Some early man-guy thought "Shit, this thing is balanced all wrong for putting crap I stabbed with it in my mouth. We're gonna have to think of a redesign, here." So he and his friend, Wallace (look, I didn't name the guy, ok?) set about creating a hand held item that could kill small game, and then be used to lovingly place said small game gently into their mouths. As an early attempt and, quite by accident, they stumbled onto the first spoon. Ya see, Wallace was going through prototypes like a crazed Lockheed-Martin engineer on ludes and red bull. He got the handle part down early. Short was good, long was clumsy. He got that. But how could it be used to stab and not hurt the end user? "You see, in engineering," Wallace thought "the end user is the king. If it's not easily deployed by the end user, it's shite." So at first, Wallace made it smooth, not pronged or "forked." While this design was great at holding liquids and some relatively stable solids (and mixtures of the two), it was absolute crap for stabbing shit. So Wallace decided to carve notches in the rounded portion. When asked how he was progressing Wallace replied, mid-bite "Soon." But to his partner, it sounded like "Spoon," as Wallace had the contraption and it's contents stuffed into his pie hole (pies would be invented later, so be patient, as this story isn't about pies at all). Having eventually perfected the new tool, Wallace set about hunting down his first victim, a tiny, but wily lizard. At first Wallace attempted to employ the fork like a spear, but the lack of mass was a detriment and coupled with the poor aerodynamic qualities of the new invention (algebra was a few vagillion millenia in the future, mind you), he continually missed. In desperate frustration, Wallace uttered the first "mother of all curse words." He would throw his tiny spear, miss, and yell "FORK!" Pick it up, throw it again, miss again, and scream "FORK THIS FORKING PIECE OF...hey, wait a minute!" And thus the fork was invented, named, and (after about a hundred more misses) used as a stabbing weapon, rather than a projectile. Now, if this ends up on wikipedia, I'm going to kill somebody...with a fork.

-I'm THAT Guy!

Here's a little poem / short story / whatever I wrote. I call it:

I'm THAT Guy

I'm the guy that'll open the car door everytime.
I make fuckin' sweet omlets.
Dude, I'll kick his ass if he tries to hurt you.
I'm THAT Guy.

I might not find that G-spot the first time, but know this;
It's my mission to make you feel THAT good
I don't care if it takes all night, all week, or a friggin month
I'm THAT Guy.

You wanna borrow my sneakers?
Baby, they're too big for ya, but I'll letcha try 'em on anyway,
And take a picture of it and put it on FACEBOOK
I'm THAT Guy.

Why you crying sweetheart?
Your momma got cancer...oh my god.
I'll drive you the eight hours to see her...right now, fuck my old plans.
I'm THAT Guy.

You need a friend cause you caught your girl cheating?
No bro, she ain't worth shooting.
Let's go have a beer...or TEN. It's on me bro.
I'm THAT Guy.

Stuck in a ditch with baddies in every direction?
Hey, I'm stuck here with ya, they'll have to get through me.
Before they can take you out, brother.
I'm THAT Guy.

Trying everyday, mostly for no reason.
I won't ever quit, not until I die.
Somebody's gotta at least appreciate that!
I'm THAT Guy.

Spoil a spoiled girl rotten.
Just to make it hard for the next guy.
Even if she isnt' worth it.
I'm THAT Guy.

Hell yeah I'll learn another language!
And not just so I can curse at people in traffic.
I wanna whisper sweet SOMETHINGS in your ear...in French...Or Italian...Or Japanese.
I'm THAT Guy.

When you go too far I'm gonna tell ya.
Because you and I both know you're better than that.
You better do the same for me, because I'm damn sure not perfect.
I'm THAT Guy.

-Bored AND Excited?

I didn't know you could be bored AND excited at the same time. I'm sitting here at work, bored shitless. There's not really any traffic coming thru the shop, so I'm more or less sitting here with my thumb up my ass. I did all the work I was supposed to do, did a little straightening up, but unless peopel come in for parts and shit, I ain't got nuthin; to do. So, I'm bored. But I thinking about my new ink. I'm excited to get it. Something primal in me can't wait for the sting of it. It's gonna be badass. I know a ton of people are gonna be askign me what this means, what that means, what's this say, all that stuff. In some ways, that'll be pretty cool. I like explaining things to people. I guess I must have some teacher genes in me somewhere. But, on the other hand, I'm a bit leary about telling people about the personal things in my life. I've gone from "very comfortable" to "working without a net with raw emotions" in just a short time. What these past few months have taught me is unfortunate: don't let people get close, don't let them in. Ya see, I let Kristy all the way in. Well, as far in as she could safely go without getting her own background check done. So, for four years, I had that knowledge; I knew (or thought I knew) that thiat would be the last time I'd have to let someone get cose. Fast forward to today. I'm workign without a net, as I said. I know that I would love to meet another girl, do the family thing and all that. I'm no player, thats for certain. The only problem is finding a girl worth my time, worth the sacrifices you have to make. That might be the problem. Will I be willing to make that leap again? She'll have to be pretty damn special. I just don't wanna end up that guy with the great career and nobody to share life with. I talk to some of my friends (whose experiences range from "never been laid" all the way to "divorced three times") and, unfortunately they all have the same opinion of women:
-They suck
-They're only good for one thing, maybe two if they can cook
-All they do is spend your money
-They want to get their claws into you and milk you for all your worth
-They're all the same
-They're all bitches

I absolutely refue to believe a single word of that. I know that lots of people suck, lots of people are only good for one thing, lots of people live to spend someone else's money, lots of people dig their claws into you and rip you up, lots of people are the same and lots of people are bitches. But I refuse to believe that every girl is. I know I'm not like that, despite the things that I've seen and done. So, if I'm ok, surely there's someone else out there that's ok, too. I wonder if I'll bump into her, if I already know her, if she's on the other side of the planet, or if she's writing in her journal about me right now.

Fuck! I hate how this always ends up being about girls. No more of that right now. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. I'd love to spoil the shit out of some lucky girl, but enough of that talk.

So, classes are almost done, thank christ! This summer session has actually been pretty easy. I have all my papers typed up and ready to go and there are two tests next week, neither of which I'm worried about (althought that may be presumptious, as I haven't gotten my mid term grades back!). My training schedule is going well, I've lost some weight and my performance level is up a little bit, although I think maybe the stress of the past few months, the extra work outs, moving into a new place and the condensed school schedule have my immune system on the fritz. I'm actually looking forward to the month and a half or so off I have coming up, thought I'm a little worried I'll have too much time to think. Some might argue I already have too much time to think,, but more about that later. I plan on doing some traveling, hitting up Alabama, Virginia, DC, New York and driving back down. It'll be good. I figure that's abotu 2 weeks ro so on the road, so that should clear my head a little bit, if it isn't cleared up by then already. So, here's a recap:

-No chick, but
-new ink
-doing well in school
-looking forward to a long road trip
-still got my eye out for "the one"
sticking with my training

-Another Easy Day

I have a long day at work and school today. Working 9-5, school 6-9:50. To add to the mayhem, I think I'm starting to get a little sick. My nose is running and I'm sneezing a lot. Like Master Chief always said "The only easy day was yesterday. Now put out or go the fuck home!" Hoo Yah Master Chief, Hoo Yah.

-Ink Me

Short post...I went to the Tat Shop yesterday to talk to a guy I know about getting some new ink done. I've had this idea in my head for a while, but didn't know exactly how I wanted it. I recently saw a merc patch that said it all! I plan on doing a combination of elements from that merc patch, the Strider logo (specifically the saber and the wings) and adding some text to the bottom. This'll be my fourth tat, so I'm under no illusions as to the level of committment and what have ya. Maybe, if I can haggle the price a bit, I can get 'em to step up and add my bukido kanji to the underside of my dragon.

Here's some samples of the shit I'll be incorporating into the tat:

On my left deltoid (opposite of my SEAL; same spot, opposite arm) I'll be adding stuff from this in all black. Picture the skull, spade and weps inside the saber and wings, with the saber piercing the chin and exiting the top of the skull and you'll have an idea of how I want to blend the two:

Just under the skull / wings / daber deal I want to have this:

Basically it means "Come and get it" or, more accurately "Come and get them" and refers to Leonidas, King of the Spartans' last stand against Xerxes of Persia at the Battle of Themopylae. Read mroe about it here, if ya wanna:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molon_labe

So why ya getting greek shit on your arm, ain't you Black Irish? Well, I'm both, turns out. One of the cool things I'm doing on my road trip this summer is going up to the Lavery family reunion in New York. This is the Black Irish side of my family, so I'll blend in and shit. I was talking to my Great Uncle Gary over the phone recently and part of the reason for our Black Irish heritage is the Greek blood we have in us. No wonder I like baclava and cold water so damn much! So this part of the tat is an homage to the crazy fuckers that forged me and mine in the fires of Mt. Olympus and the Cold waters of the Salamis Islands. Thanks guys!

Also, I'm finishing my dragon. I've been wanting to add some kanji to it for some time, but wasn't sure what would be fitting. With my recent life changes (lost my home, dog and girl all in one night, had to get a new place, start from scratch, and keep fighting) I decided to get something that I've thought many times, had in the back of my mind, on the tip of my tongue, but never really put out there. I've always had challenges in my life, and I've always looked at them as training tools. Girl breaks your heart, look for that shit in the future. Crash a car, learn how to drift. Crash another learn to stop drifting. Bust your ankle jumping off a bridge, learn to take depth measurements next time. The list goes on. It's been a continuous journey, making me better, smarter, faster, harder, more clever. A path that grows the fighting spirit of a fighter inside me. So, I had my lovely Japanese ladies (yes, I unecessarily had three of them translate it, when one would have worked fine!) sort out the Kanji for me and on the arm it shall go. Here's a pic:

-Deep Concerns

I have never had a problem talking to girls, dating, being in a relationship, nothing. I know a lot of guys, friends of mine, tend to talk a lot of shit and blah blah blah. But, when it comes down to it, they get nervous, or they don't realize that talking to a girl is just like talking to anyone else. My buddy's an example of this...we'll call him Pico the Angry Monkey, for security's sake. He's a kick ass guy. One of the best dudes to have at your side when the shit goes down. We've been friends for the better part of a decade. When I met him, he was kind of a shy guy, he was really just coming into his own. Well, he's grown up to be quite the bad ass. He does pretty well with the girls. He's an attractive guy, but sometimes...and maybe this is just the way I see it...sometimes he won't pull the trigger on a girl. What I mean is, he is attracted to girls on the surface. He likes hot women, hot women like him, but if it gets any deeper than that, he scatters. He's my boy and of course I'd love to be there on the day he finds "the one." But often times, he creates situations where he doesn't have to make that decision. Now, he's not weak, not by a long shot and maybe that's just how he wants to roll. God knows I don't have any answers to girls. I just think that, when it comes to starting things up with girls, I'm fairly confident.

So recently I've had a few new issues with womnen. Granted, I've been outta the game for a few years what with the long term girlfriend and all, but still, I've never stopped flirting, never stopped spitting game, and never stopped talking to girls even though I always knew it'd never really go anywhere. So recently I've been thrown back into the dating world. I gotta say, it's a ton more fun than being in a long tern and, in my case, boring relationship. Ya see, I thrive on change...on challenges. Everybody that knows me understands that I hate the easy kill, though I'd take it if I needed to. I like a challenge, especially when it comes to girls. I've often muttered to myself (usually after a girl has sent me home scratching my head) that I am the king of impossible relationships. Here are some examples:
-I once dated a muslim girl, fully knowing the risks, the rules and all that shit, just to see how far it would go.
-I lived in secret with a girl for four years. Her parents never knew we were living together, our cultures were completely different, and she and I were incompatible.
-I dated a girl that guaranteed me no sex for almost a year, just to see if I could handle not having sex for a year (that sucked by the way, but I did it)

So, maybe I'm a masochist. I mean, I do a lot of things that cause me intentional pain. I voluntered for BUD/S, a masochists wet dream. I do these crazy things with girls. I throw myself outta planes, push myself in training, break things on my body, crash cars just for the thrill, jump off bridges and generally do shit that is supposed to kill, hurt, or otherwise cause debilitating emotional and physical trauma, just for shits and giggles. Maybe I'm sick, I dunno. I remember being at a knife show and finding a really nice knife, but the price was high. I'm a pretty good haggler, so I start super low, almost insultingly low. It went something like this:

Me: "Nice knife...I'll give ya $100 for it."
Knife Guy: "I'll bet you would, sport."

I immediately started laughing, thrilled at the fact that I'd been publicly humiliated and shot down. My buddy Pico was there to see the whole thing. He told me "You're the only person I know that'd be thrilled to have that happen to him."

So, to my current problem. I like impossible. Impossible is fun. Impossible has no downside. You see, when you aim for impossible and fail, you at least failed while daring greatly, as Teddy Roosevelt said. But, if you win, you get to know what it's like to do the impossible. I always go for impossible. So I was out with a girl the other night, someone I have had a romantic history with before. She got pissed at me and finally let me know that when we had our fling (after which I went back to my old girlfiend) she felt like I picked my old girl over her. Now, while this is completely untrue (I've liked this girl ever since) in one sense, I can see her point. I just didn't think she liked me all that much, but I guess you don't do the things we did that night unless you like someone an awful lot. Well, come to find out she's liked me a lot ever since also. So we were out the other night and she says something like "The problem with you military types is that you hide your emotions." So, what do I do? I prove her wrong. Not to be a dick, or to show off, but to be honest with her. Girls always talk about honesty, right? SO I send her a heartfelt email, explain how I feel, show her that I'm not a robot, that I have felt things for her also and that the world isn't always roses and chocolates. People make decisions for survival, I am no different.

So here's my reward for opening up, being honest, and showing emotions: She's been stonewalling me for 4 days. No calls, no emails, no nothing. I called her, she's real short on the phone. Says she needs time to think. I can't help but remember something a old Japanese buddy of mine told me. He said "In battle, the samurai used to train to make a decision within 7 breaths." This forced them to go with their gut, rely on their training, their experiences, and roll with it. But that was a different time. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm wondering if showing emotion truely is a weakness. Lord knows I've never seen the reward in having emotions, but I'm human...I'll always have emotions.

Maybe, fo rthe first time, I'm feeling what my friend Pico feels. I've actually met an equal, someone worthy of my affections. Not some watered down version of what I want. I know she has her demons, just like anyone. I dunno if maybe it's her demons that are causing her to put me on hold. Buntarosan once said "It is a mans purpose to shoulder the burden, to handle the pain." Well, Buntarosan, I'm doing my part right now, just like I always do. Life is pain. But life is also pleasure. I just hope it wasn't the beer that made her kiss me like that. Maybe this is my chance to explore one of my weaknesses...women.

I have always been a sucker for girls. I don't do sloppy shit because of them, but I have always felt sympathy, empathy. I have more girls as friends than guys. Maybe it's because I was raised by a single mother, I understand and can relate to women, I dunno. Maybe that's why I don't have a problem talking to them like many men. But I know that, once certain women know you like them, they twist you, mold you. They try to make you into something else. Not all of them, mind you, but it's been my experience that the majority do this. So, perhaps this is my chance to confront that dragon, my soft spot for women. Of course, who am I to decide fate? Maybe it's in my stars, maybe it's in my destiny to die alone. I made peace with that concept many times. I've been injured and alone, in a hospital bed on christmas with nobody. Unable to tell anyone where I was or what had happened. I was hurt in training. Yeah, thats it. I've been underwater when the air dried up, ready to die alone. I've been spinning at 85 mph, hitting a tree in reverse, ready to die alone. I've been halfway off a bridge, about to hit shallow water, ready to die alone. Maybe that's my fate. Maybe I'm not supposed to be with the one I love, grow old with her, have children, live a purposeful life and die a loved man with loved ones around me. Perhaps I'm supposed to endure every pain there is, for no other purpose that to see if I can. If that's the case, then it will not have been a wasted life. But it would also not have been a preferred life. Do I want to find the woman of my dreams, have children, have a meaningful life, job? Of course. Would I be ok having nobody in my life, living for a cause and dying alone. Of course. My only fear is that I will die alone, and for nothing. That would be a wasted life.

-Mosquito Bite

Got me a new toy today. Against the wishes of my mother and ex girlfriend (not that the latter’s opinion matters much these days) I picked up a SIG Sauer Mosquito Tactical today. She’s a sweet little gun, though I haven’t had a chance to actually shoot her yet, so my opinion of her may be a bit presumptuous. Of course, in SIG’s infinite wisdom they threaded the barrel in metric units, so I had to pony up the dough for a Gemtech thread adaptor to get her to the standard 1/2x28 thread pattern for mounting faux and real suppressors. The shop I picked her up from happened to have a Gemtech Outback II on the shelf so I threaded her on to see how she looked. I gotta admit, the OBII was nice a slim and didn’t interfere with the sight line one bit. Looking at the sights on the Mossy, I noticed they sit high, but not overtly so. To be honest, before I threaded the OBII on there I was trying to budget in my head for some aftermarket sights, assuming that the suppressor that will eventually end up on there would mess up the sight picture. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

Here's a pic:

-It’s only when you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything…

Tyler Durden said it best when he made the statement I used for the title of this blog entry. When we lose everything we have, our home, what we thought was the love of our life, most of our material possessions, our status, hell, even our pets…then we are truly free. I am no longer tied down by my status as someone’s boyfriend. I don’t have to rush home to feed the dog. I don’t have to clean a house (not that it ever really mattered anyway as my ex-box would almost immediately trash the place once I HAD cleaned). I don’t have to maintain any illusions for the neighbors.
So what brought about this change in your lifestyle, brownmajik?
Well, I caught my girl of 4 years cheating on me. I won’t go any further into that. Suffice to say, I’ve known for a while that she was prone to cheating. She cheated on her last boyfriend to get with me. She would go up to her home town and fuck her ex some times. She would chat with her other ex via text and on the phone sometimes. Hell, she even fucked the guy that serviced her crappy little car. Of course, all the evidence I had on her most of the time was circumstantial. You know, guilty looks, hiding her emails, texts, shit like that. Things children do. Also, her guilt showed through. She always thought I was cheating. She would snoop my emails, go through my phone, write down passwords, even install shit on her computer to keep track of me. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. I mean, I always knew in the back of my mind that she was a cheater. I just never acted on the impulse. 4 years of boredom and bad sex will kill a man’s instincts.

-Reemergence

I’ve had many blogs in the past. Some were successful, some were not. Some were so important they were monitored. Not by any government agency or anything sinister (and cool!) like that, but by the jealous, the weak, and the faint of heart. Those are the past, however and today is the now. That means that from now on, we’re talking about the damn future. Yes, the DAMN future. Nah, I’m actually not cynical, just leary, mildly paranoid (but am I paranoid enough?) and somewhat unsure of the future. Of course, what kind of life would I have if I knew the future? I think it’d be pretty boring, knowing what comes next, planning for it, seeing it happen just as predicted. YAWN! Fuck that noise, says me. No, I’d much rather be blind sided by the future. Bitch slapped by the Ghost of Christmas Future, knocked cold by the circumstances of life. Like Rocky said “You ain’t never gonna hit as hard as life. The true measure of a man is in how hard he can GET hit and get back up.” Yo, Adrian, we have a winner!

So, brownmajik…are you some kinda masochist, hell bent on getting hurt at every turn?

No, of course not. I love life, love the wonders it offers. Love, beauty, comfort, kindness and all the other shit you could wrap in a rainbow, smother in hot fudge and eat until you got a stomach ache. But the real fun in life, for me anyway, is the challenges it presents. You see, dear reader, not knowing the future allows me to do what I believe is the pinnacle of human achievement. IMPROVISATION! That’s right. Improvisation. As in, Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome.” I like to think that the essence of existence is one’s ability to improvise. You know…come up with shit off the cuff. Get out of a tight spot on the fly. Zig when you shoulda zagged yet, still avoid the proverbial brick wall.
As such, I plan on putting my thoughts on paper…digital paper…er, uh, well I mean I’ll be posting entries on this blog as a means of getting shit off my chest, sorting thoughts out, and generally as a way to make sense of this crazy, mixed up, and utterly improvisable world.