-Deep Concerns

I have never had a problem talking to girls, dating, being in a relationship, nothing. I know a lot of guys, friends of mine, tend to talk a lot of shit and blah blah blah. But, when it comes down to it, they get nervous, or they don't realize that talking to a girl is just like talking to anyone else. My buddy's an example of this...we'll call him Pico the Angry Monkey, for security's sake. He's a kick ass guy. One of the best dudes to have at your side when the shit goes down. We've been friends for the better part of a decade. When I met him, he was kind of a shy guy, he was really just coming into his own. Well, he's grown up to be quite the bad ass. He does pretty well with the girls. He's an attractive guy, but sometimes...and maybe this is just the way I see it...sometimes he won't pull the trigger on a girl. What I mean is, he is attracted to girls on the surface. He likes hot women, hot women like him, but if it gets any deeper than that, he scatters. He's my boy and of course I'd love to be there on the day he finds "the one." But often times, he creates situations where he doesn't have to make that decision. Now, he's not weak, not by a long shot and maybe that's just how he wants to roll. God knows I don't have any answers to girls. I just think that, when it comes to starting things up with girls, I'm fairly confident.

So recently I've had a few new issues with womnen. Granted, I've been outta the game for a few years what with the long term girlfriend and all, but still, I've never stopped flirting, never stopped spitting game, and never stopped talking to girls even though I always knew it'd never really go anywhere. So recently I've been thrown back into the dating world. I gotta say, it's a ton more fun than being in a long tern and, in my case, boring relationship. Ya see, I thrive on change...on challenges. Everybody that knows me understands that I hate the easy kill, though I'd take it if I needed to. I like a challenge, especially when it comes to girls. I've often muttered to myself (usually after a girl has sent me home scratching my head) that I am the king of impossible relationships. Here are some examples:
-I once dated a muslim girl, fully knowing the risks, the rules and all that shit, just to see how far it would go.
-I lived in secret with a girl for four years. Her parents never knew we were living together, our cultures were completely different, and she and I were incompatible.
-I dated a girl that guaranteed me no sex for almost a year, just to see if I could handle not having sex for a year (that sucked by the way, but I did it)

So, maybe I'm a masochist. I mean, I do a lot of things that cause me intentional pain. I voluntered for BUD/S, a masochists wet dream. I do these crazy things with girls. I throw myself outta planes, push myself in training, break things on my body, crash cars just for the thrill, jump off bridges and generally do shit that is supposed to kill, hurt, or otherwise cause debilitating emotional and physical trauma, just for shits and giggles. Maybe I'm sick, I dunno. I remember being at a knife show and finding a really nice knife, but the price was high. I'm a pretty good haggler, so I start super low, almost insultingly low. It went something like this:

Me: "Nice knife...I'll give ya $100 for it."
Knife Guy: "I'll bet you would, sport."

I immediately started laughing, thrilled at the fact that I'd been publicly humiliated and shot down. My buddy Pico was there to see the whole thing. He told me "You're the only person I know that'd be thrilled to have that happen to him."

So, to my current problem. I like impossible. Impossible is fun. Impossible has no downside. You see, when you aim for impossible and fail, you at least failed while daring greatly, as Teddy Roosevelt said. But, if you win, you get to know what it's like to do the impossible. I always go for impossible. So I was out with a girl the other night, someone I have had a romantic history with before. She got pissed at me and finally let me know that when we had our fling (after which I went back to my old girlfiend) she felt like I picked my old girl over her. Now, while this is completely untrue (I've liked this girl ever since) in one sense, I can see her point. I just didn't think she liked me all that much, but I guess you don't do the things we did that night unless you like someone an awful lot. Well, come to find out she's liked me a lot ever since also. So we were out the other night and she says something like "The problem with you military types is that you hide your emotions." So, what do I do? I prove her wrong. Not to be a dick, or to show off, but to be honest with her. Girls always talk about honesty, right? SO I send her a heartfelt email, explain how I feel, show her that I'm not a robot, that I have felt things for her also and that the world isn't always roses and chocolates. People make decisions for survival, I am no different.

So here's my reward for opening up, being honest, and showing emotions: She's been stonewalling me for 4 days. No calls, no emails, no nothing. I called her, she's real short on the phone. Says she needs time to think. I can't help but remember something a old Japanese buddy of mine told me. He said "In battle, the samurai used to train to make a decision within 7 breaths." This forced them to go with their gut, rely on their training, their experiences, and roll with it. But that was a different time. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm wondering if showing emotion truely is a weakness. Lord knows I've never seen the reward in having emotions, but I'm human...I'll always have emotions.

Maybe, fo rthe first time, I'm feeling what my friend Pico feels. I've actually met an equal, someone worthy of my affections. Not some watered down version of what I want. I know she has her demons, just like anyone. I dunno if maybe it's her demons that are causing her to put me on hold. Buntarosan once said "It is a mans purpose to shoulder the burden, to handle the pain." Well, Buntarosan, I'm doing my part right now, just like I always do. Life is pain. But life is also pleasure. I just hope it wasn't the beer that made her kiss me like that. Maybe this is my chance to explore one of my weaknesses...women.

I have always been a sucker for girls. I don't do sloppy shit because of them, but I have always felt sympathy, empathy. I have more girls as friends than guys. Maybe it's because I was raised by a single mother, I understand and can relate to women, I dunno. Maybe that's why I don't have a problem talking to them like many men. But I know that, once certain women know you like them, they twist you, mold you. They try to make you into something else. Not all of them, mind you, but it's been my experience that the majority do this. So, perhaps this is my chance to confront that dragon, my soft spot for women. Of course, who am I to decide fate? Maybe it's in my stars, maybe it's in my destiny to die alone. I made peace with that concept many times. I've been injured and alone, in a hospital bed on christmas with nobody. Unable to tell anyone where I was or what had happened. I was hurt in training. Yeah, thats it. I've been underwater when the air dried up, ready to die alone. I've been spinning at 85 mph, hitting a tree in reverse, ready to die alone. I've been halfway off a bridge, about to hit shallow water, ready to die alone. Maybe that's my fate. Maybe I'm not supposed to be with the one I love, grow old with her, have children, live a purposeful life and die a loved man with loved ones around me. Perhaps I'm supposed to endure every pain there is, for no other purpose that to see if I can. If that's the case, then it will not have been a wasted life. But it would also not have been a preferred life. Do I want to find the woman of my dreams, have children, have a meaningful life, job? Of course. Would I be ok having nobody in my life, living for a cause and dying alone. Of course. My only fear is that I will die alone, and for nothing. That would be a wasted life.